When Will The Comparison Stop?

A concept that I have been reminded of lately is that comparison is in every stage of life. A naive college Hannah Hughes once believed it stopped once you graduated and became an “adult.” You can laugh because I do when I think about that sweet girl’s ignorance.

As a therapist, I see the most vulnerable impacts of comparison. Whether it be the college student comparing post-college plans, to the couple struggling to be “happy” like other couples, to the man wanting to feel emotionally competent for his partner, to the woman wanting to be pregnant like her friends. It doesn’t discriminate against who it covers with its negative bias. It is a practice that people can give time and effort to no matter their gender, race, or age.

Comparison is often rooted in comparing where we are as individuals to an "idealized" place we see others attaining. The issue with this is that comparison often doesn’t take into consideration the context of another’s life. It keeps us hyperfixated on something, someone, or whatever the next “right” thing we should be doing with our life, rather than allowing us peace with where we are currently.

Yes - there is absolutely grief in not having the relationship, the job, the child, the status society expects of you. There is a time and place for feeling the depth of great pain when we don’t have someone we want, but there is also a point where we are potentially causing ourselves greater pain than necessary. I watch self-fulfilling prophetic thoughts of what is “missing” become the center of people’s lives. It is so detrimental.

My life has been just as impacted by this human crux – no judgment over here.

So how do we prevent comparison from becoming the place we live our life? Starving us of the satisfaction of our present life, removing us from positive connection with others, diminishing our self-confidence, etc.

Let me give you some action steps:

The circle of control is something I share often in sessions. It is a concept of two circles: one small circle to hold the things you can control, and the bigger circle around that circle holds the things outside of your control. It is simplistic for a bigger problem (comparison is everywhere), but it is a place I like to START with myself.

Can I control the thing I am so desperately jealous of someone else having? Is the desire coming from a rooted place I haven’t given enough attention to recently? Is there anything I could be grateful for while I wait? All of these questions offer me a FREE self-audit to see where my focus took a turn to the bigger circle, the things of life outside of my control.

Your mental health is bound to struggle if it is always trying to manage the things of this world that are much larger than what our individual human capacity is built to hold. After I self-audit, I like to scan where I am seeing, reading, and hearing reminders of what I don’t have. Shocker.. Social media.

This has led me to delete all social media weeks at a time, to removing certain people I follow, to create limits around the time I use it daily. It looks like reading less romantic novels and more historical fiction (just two genres I really like) for me sometimes. I may choose a podcast that is light and fun rather than a podcast diving into attachment styles of relationships. My ability to filter comparison changes, so my boundaries with consumption may need to change with that.

Lastly, a great reflective question to ask yourself is, “what am I looking to gain by acquiring this next ________?” No matter what you see yourself having compared to Sally Smith, it may be smart to see what you are hoping it changes about your life. Is it true your life can or will only change once you are married, at the next job, or living in the next city (calling myself out here)? Could there be too much pressure on having that next thing? Once you attain it, will you be quick to desire whatever comes next?

It is important to reflect on the core beliefs you live your life from because these are where our decisions, desires, and relationships grow out of, whether we realize it or not. It is healthy to question and reflect with these!