Break-ups, Heartache, and Our Humanity That Lives Amongst It All
I have always said that I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. The emotional—and sometimes physical—experiences that come with the loss of a significant other can feel unbearable, especially in the early stages. The grief comes in waves, unpredictable and uncontrollable, which feels so contrary to our need to manage and structure life. I don’t have a “feel better” pill, but I do have lived experience with heartbreak, along with professional knowledge about grief.
The five stages of grief (shoutout to Ms. Kübler-Ross) are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While this framework helps conceptualize the wide array of feelings we experience after losing a partner, it is 1000% individualized. Here’s how these stages can show up in our lives (and this is by no means exhaustive): denying the end by continuing communication with the person (denial), resenting them for the pain they caused (anger), trying to change yourself to undo the reasons it ended (bargaining), feeling hollow because something you valued is gone (depression), and finally, learning to live in your new “post-heartbreak” reality (acceptance).
It’s difficult to capture heartbreak in a blog post—it’s an experience that hits viscerally, flaring up differently depending on the day, the hour, or even the song that happens to play in your car.
I am no heartbreak guru. What I do know is the value of holding space for what we feel and letting it flow through our lives. Professionally, I would advise against navigating heartbreak alone. Discussing your pain with people who can relate is how we engage with the truest part of humanity: what is broken in a relationship can and will be healed through connection. The worst mistake I ever made was trying to isolate myself and endure the pain alone.
Allow yourself to be sad. Labeling parts of our emotional spectrum as “bad” or “to be avoided” is exactly why mental health struggles are so pervasive. We try to manipulate ourselves out of feelings we are meant to experience. I spent years avoiding sadness, to the point that I feared it. My last heartbreak taught me to welcome that emotion with open arms—and in doing so, I was able to fully move forward.
Heartbreak is not a game of “who gets over who first.” The only win is allowing the process to unfold in a way that honors your healing journey. Not thinking about someone doesn’t equal healing, and pretending to be okay when you’re not has never served anyone who is honest with themselves. The one thing you do get to control is what “moving on” looks like from your perspective—and what it takes to get there.
When you feel ready, externalize the pain. Be honest with yourself and audit what the relationship provided for you. Did it make you feel secure? Did your partner meet needs that now require you to source them internally? Did the relationship fulfill a function that ultimately belongs within yourself moving forward?
You may not be ready to reflect on “what I learned” from this person—and that’s okay. Heartbreak is a self-paced experience. Taking it one day at a time will gradually heal the shock your nervous system has endured. But to fully recover, you must allow all five stages of grief to have their time. You are grieving. From a therapist who deeply cares about emotional well-being: give yourself space, and don’t let minimization prevent you from experiencing it fully.
Hannah Hughes, LPC-A
